It’s Okay, NOT to be Okay

“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.” – Hemingway

Prologue – During a recent cleaning of my computer files, I discovered a folder full of partially completed blogs. Some were near completion while others were no more than a few sentences of a single thought. There were even a few, as my pal Corey Oakley best describes, that were borderline ramblings of a mad woman and may take some time to deconstruct. Deciding to tackle the chore of finishing each post, not only gave me a head start on my writing but reminds me of my reflections of years past. The following post was 95% complete and originated from November of 2019 a few months past finishing my breast cancer treatment. It was also around the time of Bobby and I calling time of death on our marriage. A longer blog, with many trains of thought, I did my best to edit without taking away from my original state of being. And although my mind, spirit and soul are in a much more joyful state, the sentiments seem to ring true in today’s world.

It’s Okay to be Not Okay

How many times has the following conversation been part of your day?

A friend asks a simple, kind question: “How are you?” You instantly respond with the obligatory, “I am okay” or better yet “I am good, just living the dream.” And quickly change the subject to any other topic but your current state of being. Deep down inside or maybe even right under the surface, you are far from okay. Why is sharing the truth seem like such a challenging request, even coming from our closest people?

In a world where other people’s opinions and reactions have a direct effect on our mindset when do we risk being brave enough to share the truth? When asked over the past several months, “How are you”, I was as guilty as the next guy with brushing the truth under the rug. Is it an inner urge to create a positive outlook or a private “do not disturb” switch I hung on my hypothetical emotional door? To be honest for me it was holding it together in order not to burst into tears. As a pure defense mechanism to my sanity and sadness, my main goal was holding it together on the surface. “Isn’t a beautiful sunny day?” was my focus, minute by minute, day by day. I had allowed myself to be the supporting character in my own story and not burden others in my sadness.

For me, there were a variety of reasons. Originally, I chalked it up to societies niceties, to air on the always sunshine, glass half full, response to your general state of being. But as I dug deeper, there were a treasure chest full of motives for being “untrue” in my remarks. I don’t have the strength to elaborate on my response, the feeling that the person asking really is just making small talk, or maybe I am just plain embarrassed by my circumstances. Was I a giant failure at my own life? And then it hit me, it is okay to say, “I am not okay”.

2019 may just be my least favorite year to date. The only other contender would be 1997, but as I try to get “this too shall pass” to set in, the newness of our current calendar feels far more difficult. Struggling to find my new normal, there is a liberation with owning your feelings and how you navigate them to the world. Starting to accept that I don’t have to go into detail nor do I need to feel responsible how the other person perceives my response. I also can take others “helpful” responses and do as I please with the information. And this new freedom has made me dig further into speaking ones truths.

Speaking Your Truths

In today’s culture (I believe strengthen by social platforms) humans think they can share their thoughts freely. Good, bad or just plain right out of left field, views flow freely. But in modern communication it seems that there is a new concept that comes with the sharing of opinions. We tend contribute those agreeing with us (or changing their mind) with how “loud” our expression grows. And that everyone who “follows or likes” our thought, will also feel exactly the same way. Even easier, if someone disagrees with us, with a push of a button we can simply “unfriend” them and block out their words. Problem solved and your world is full of the perfect harmony of everyone you associate with thinking, feeling, and believing all the same truths.

Well, I am here to tell you that is not okay. I am all for everyone embracing their political, spiritual, moral, educational, sports loving, beliefs. Sing them from the roof tops, be loud and proud, but do not expect me to jump in line and change my mind if we tend to differ. I agree with all my heart that we should all get to share our beliefs and live a life true to ourselves. But with that comes the acceptance that I get to believe, reflect and deliberate (or not deliberate) just the same as the guy next door.

So here are a few things I am okay with embracing, believing and living by, that it is okay for you to NOT share in my view. We can still be friends. We can still “like” each other on the world wide web. And the earth-shattering news is, that we all will still be a complete person tomorrow.

Jacky’s Beliefs

1 – Agriculture is king. More importantly, commercial agriculture is responsible, mindful, enterprises that are managed by smart people that value our earth, economics, and feeding our planet. Big does not equal bad. We need all kinds of farming to maintain the volume, tastes, preferences and price points that keep the supply chain viable. Do you realize that not all organic farming practices are sustainable? Do you even know the definition of organic or holistic farming or what an operation consists of on a production platform?

2 – It is okay to be a girl. Being born with two XX chromosomes isn’t a liability. I do agree both men and women can achieve, do, be whatever they want. But in this world that girls can do anything a boy can, I fear sometimes the message loses site that being a girl is pretty cool too. When I went to grad school in 1991 studying agriculture economics in Oklahoma, how many young ladies do you think were my classmates? There were three of us total and I was the only one that graduated 18 months later. 28 years later, my daughter is at the same university in the same major getting her Phd and the ratio of men to woman has changed drastically. I am all for everyone of us being true to our dreams. I also think that pink, crowns, dolls and wearing ribbons and bows doesn’t change your value to the world.

3 – Not everyone is cut out for collegiate life—and that’s okay. I’ve been around high school agriculture teachers for the last 38 years, and vocational skills have real-world value. Certified welders, landscapers, and heavy equipment operators—these are skilled professions, and they’re highly lucrative. We each have something to give to the universe to make it better. It just might not be developed through a four-year degree.

4 – Finally, it is okay not to be okay. Kiah Burchett visited my class to share her story and talk about self-brand. When one of the students asked her if she had bad days? I will never forget her response. She asked the class if you saw a heart rate monitor and the line was even (straight) what does that mean. They all replied, “you would be dead.” Exactly we all have down days. They allow the good days to follow.

If every day we felt the same and every situation was a neutral response would we feel nonstop joy or would we just feel empty? Being not okay occasionally and allowing ourselves to reboot is a necessity to life. When I wrote the above, I was about as down as I have ever been in my life. I started to wonder why I didn’t finish this post and get it published. But then I discovered the culprit. I wrote this on November 10, 2019, five days before I met Tod. He came along and jump started my climb back up my EOG (electric okay gram), filling my time with UCSD sporting events and meeting new people. My mind was finding joy in new adventures. And before you knew it, the sad of the past began to fade.

Here we are almost six years later. Go ahead and ask me how I am doing. Don’t get me wrong I still have those days that are just not good, but I am open to sharing my ups and downs with no remorse. Tod and I have experienced many changes in our world and even gained a dog. How does the old saying go, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. Maybe that is the key, our strength comes from the down days. But I rather lean into the words of the Beatles, “Here comes the sun and I say, “It’s alright” or should we say “It’s okay”.

The photo was taken outside of Santa Fe, NM in September of 2019 exploring spiritual location

September 23, 2025 0

Lessons Learn from a Simple Note

“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” – William Wordsworth

For the past six weeks, I have been keeping a secret. Better yet let’s call it a major surprise, that tied perfectly into my last blog post. The challenge was not to “spill the beans” while I wrote and fingers crossed the many I tied into the task, kept their lips sealed as time ticked closer to “D Day”. Or should we say “B Day”?

My daughter Kayla turned thirty last week. Early one January morning I got an idea. Those that have worked with me know that me walking in on a daily basis with the phrase, “I have an idea” is not earth shattering news. This one began with a simple thought and grew into mountain to climb with a tight deadline ticking down daily. The brainchild was a gift to my daughter that would showcase the first thirty years of her life. A creation of memories and messages from her first 10,950 days, featuring her family, friends and special loved ones from near and far.
My natural tendency is to have an idea, allowing zero time to percolate before putting the plan into action. My thoughts that early morning, while waiting to board a plane to Reno, moved like the speed of light. Before a second idea could enter my mind, the wheels were in motion as I sent out a group text to dozens of family and friends. My request while rehashing my vision, was simple please send me a handwritten note wishing Kayla a Happy Birthday. I was open to them also sharing special photos they may have of the celebration girl, but what I longed for was that piece of paper with pen marks that makes each of them special to her life.

As I woke up the next morning, instant panic hit me of the enormous task laying ahead. What was I thinking, thirty years of memorabilia to rediscover, organize and neatly sum up in a book? Over the past three decades we have moved from old fashion film, digital cameras and today’s photo capturing device of choice, our cell phone. Inputting the pictures alone would require scans, downloads, uploads and never ending edits. As I sat in my hotel room, I figured I needed a plan and fast. On my side were a few things, I have organized items for each child in a single clear container, Shutterfly had been my photo creation device of choice for at least two decades, therefore housed numerous uploaded photos and the simple fact that I opened this Pandora’s Box with a large number of my contacts, there was no turning back. Laptop in hand, I typed Shutterfly into the search bar, and the first step was taken in a very long journey.

Over the next four weeks there was the gentle balance between feelings of great accomplishment to overwhelming piles of photos, page counts and hunting down letters. The final statistics include one book, 78 pages, filled with 332 photos and 21 letters. I included her birth announcement, a few of her first birthday cards from special relatives no longer with us (complete with their signature), a poem written by her 5^th grade teacher, a newspaper article/photo and her ultrasound image.

I am grateful for the challenge and the reminder of the value of the written word. Large projects can be a doubled edge sword for me to complete. I get caught between constant inspiration to falling down a rabbit hole of chasing ideas, thus turning minutes into extended hours. Funny thing was that while I waited for the letters to come in, I would be setting up the page of the person writing to Kayla. And every single time, the photos I had inserted fell write into step with words in the letter. The words became the irreplaceable star in the production. And I began to notice this continued theme in recent days.

Assigning my students the chore of writing “thank you” notes to speakers, there was the bright light again taking center stage. Their kind words reflected the appreciation of the time the guest spent sharing their story while inspiring ideas of future career possibilities. And just this week while applying to teach yet another class, I had the opportunity to read letters of recommendation for yours truly. The written word is a wonderful reminder of where we thrive, find enjoyment and touch others. Maybe we do need to read how others feel about us, now and then, as a gentle reminder of our importance in this solar system.

In a world where we hear the words AI daily or communicate through emojis and acronyms, let me just express one more time how important connecting to each other makes life worth living. AI cannot compose a handwritten note that expresses your emotions, experiences and genuine caring of another person. Another lesson I embraced during these exercises, the net you cast over the amount of people you touch is much larger and stronger than you may ever realize. From hearing a story from a special aunt, to thanking a guest speaker or even having a former student recount the impact you had on their career path, there are countless individuals that you have touched over the course of your years.

So here is my challenge to all that may read this message. Choose three people that have touched your life; 1) that is near to you on a day-to-day basis, 2) someone who you truly value but don’t connect with near enough and 3) someone that impacts/ impacted your life. Next write them a note from your heart, length isn’t important, it’s the thought that counts. Of course, I would prefer you to use paper and pen but will settle with any formal form of communication. I freely admit, we aren’t all great writers like Wordsworth, but if I can squeeze 21 notes out of the cast of characters for Kayla’s gift, you all can take the time to connect with three humans over the next few weeks.

We have heard the question, what is your love language? I am beginning to believe that mine may be the written word. After my last blog a couple of my friends and I even joked about forming a note writing club, similar to a book club. Where we could meet once a month, drink wine and write to others. Honestly the more I think of the concept, the greater the possibility becomes reality. Even across distances this feat could be achieved. Holding each other accountable to developing our new correspondence habit.

In the words of Emily Post, “Never think because you cannot write a letter easily, that it is better not to write at all. The most awkward note imaginable is better than none.” Take my challenge, share your gratitude and compose away. Maybe, just maybe, we are one card away from starting a writing revolution?

March 12, 2025 1

Same Time Next Year

“Which is more important,” asked Big Panda, “the journey or the destination?” “The company,” said Tiny Dragon

Being a creature of habit, the ringing in of the New Year emanates thoughts of anew and the overwhelming urge to write in my blog. But something felt different these past few weeks. Like picking up where I left off was no longer an option, it wasn’t just a new year, but a rebirth of a sense of purpose.

Any good annual goal should be measurable. Have I been successful over the past decade with my annual expression to the universe? Curiosity in my corner, the exploration into my past writings was a click away. Believe it or not, A Little Bit About a lot of Things is about to celebrate its 13^th birthday. With a total of 73 posts, 17,645 views and over 8,500 visitors, I knew my efforts weren’t chart topping. Just shy of 65,000 written words, which is just 15,000 words short of the average length of most fictional novels. (Wait, stop, are you saying, that I am on the verge of a completing book?) Thoughts of actually jumping off the diving board into that “big” writing project I so secretly dreamed about often, didn’t seem so scary.

Focus became key and my mind had to be glued to completing the task at hand; finding out if I have stayed true to a quest over the past 13 years? I needed more data. Guess what, Tuesdays seem to be my most prolific day to publish. And as expected, from January 2014 to present day, post Christmas to early in the new year, is the sweet spot for success in completing an entry with a grand total of eleven postings. The reasons behind the popularity was simple, the time of year.

My birthday is January 5, the combination of the celebration and kicking off a fresh chapter in the calendar playbook, makes the perfect recipe for fresh ideas, upbeat goals and visions of anything is possible. And low and behold I stayed true to course over time. Change, hope, stretching outside of comfort zone, process and glass half full mantras graced my written work. And lets not forget in January of 2019 when I based an entire blog off of math https://alittlebitaboutalotofthings.com/2019/01/05/math-doesnt-lie-the-key-to-accomplishing-your-annual-aspirations/ or in 2018 when I created a playlist https://alittlebitaboutalotofthings.com/2018/01/16/2018-a-time-to-grove/ .

They say focusing on the past isn’t healthy, but I learned a few lessons rereading my work. In 2014, I was all about being present, which I can honestly say has been an unplanned premise this past year. I didn’t have a choice but to be present I had nothing but the day ahead. And trust me I’m a person that loves to look forward to something, may I remind you of my love of travel? Having time on my hands and an empty appointment book gave way to taking time to plan adventures. It was a conscious act that I spent hours and endless energy to create destinations. This included spending stints with people that I am truly grateful for in my life, making memories and being in the moment took unexpected forms. From carefully planned trips, like our journey to California in June that I wrote about, to my last minute jaunt on the featured fair tour in Idaho that concluded with a special breakfast with my Grandma Darlene, each destination fueled my fire and boosted my energy.

In 2015, I wrote a prescription as my New Year’s resolution. https://alittlebitaboutalotofthings.com/2015/01/03/begin-again-please-dont-see-just-a-girl-caught-up-in-dreams-and-fantasies/#more-97 One of my “doses” was allow for change. For as long as I can recall I have internally thought if I could just have one or two weeks off to be at home and get my life in order things would be better. You know that underlying feeling of needing rest, checking off that household “to-do” list and just having a little me time. Well, I am living proof it takes way longer than two weeks.

At first, I struggled with the down time. The change was beyond something I felt able to lean into. I was tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Time and patience were the key to healing. Neither one of them are my signature strengths. As the summer months gave way to fall, I began to spring forth with new bud growth from the metamorphosis. Like the caterpillar becoming a lovely butterfly, I grew new wings and shed off a few thousand burden legs. The byproducts of my healing are evident in my everyday life. My cupboards have never been more organized. I made holiday crafts for the first time in decades. And my status is with United is at an all time high. I allowed for change and in return I found missing parts of my old self.

Yet one of my favorite posts was titled “One Decade at a Time” published January 5, 2017. If you know me, you know I love my birthday. I think we all should celebrate from the roof tops on our special day, because without it you wouldn’t be walking upright. Age has never been a big deal to me, except when I can channel it for an excuse for an even grander celebration. Pointing out significant milestones that were made by people at older ages, you get instantly inspired to go out accomplish any goal, maybe even write a novel? Reading it reminded me that turning 58 really isn’t that big a deal. Not that I really thought it was, like I said, to me age is just a number. It also prompted me to start planning something epic for the big 60. Maybe a trip to Italy?

As for 2025, I have spent some time truly thinking about my annual manifesto. Don’t get me wrong I still believe and embrace all my past idealism and plans, but this year I am only assigning myself one task. To be grateful. Grateful for all the little things in my life but most importantly for the people in my world. Why be present, if not to enjoy time with someone special? And change is prompted many times by the entrance or the exit of individuals in our world. In a world filled with texts, emails, videos, and countless non present forms of communication, I embrace the importance of having actual humans in one’s days. People are as essential to our life as air and water.

One simple word, gratitude will be all that I strive for in 2025. Yes,the journey can be fun and the destination may turn out better than expected, but none of it truly matters without the company.

2025 I am grateful for my family, especially my parents and my fabulous children, Nolan, Kayla and Lilly. I am grateful that each of them has found someone who thinks they are just as amazing as I do. I am grateful my friends, the ones I talk to often and the ones who are there even in the silence space. And I am grateful for Tod and Louie, the little nuclear family that greets me every morning with hope of a joyful day.

January 14, 2025 0