“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.” – Hemingway

Prologue – During a recent cleaning of my computer files, I discovered a folder full of partially completed blogs.  Some were near completion while others were no more than a few sentences of a single thought.  There were even a few, as my pal Corey Oakley best describes, that were borderline ramblings of a mad woman and may take some time to deconstruct.  Deciding to tackle the chore of finishing each post, not only gave me a head start on my writing but reminds me of my reflections of years past.  The following post was 95% complete and originated from November of 2019 a few months past finishing my breast cancer treatment.  It was also around the time of Bobby and I calling time of death on our marriage. A longer blog, with many trains of thought, I did my best to edit without taking away from my original state of being.  And although my mind, spirit and soul are in a much more joyful state, the sentiments seem to ring true in today’s world.

It’s Okay to be Not Okay

How many times has the following conversation been part of your day?

A friend asks a simple, kind question: “How are you?” You instantly respond with the obligatory, “I am okay” or better yet “I am good, just living the dream.”  And quickly change the subject to any other topic but your current state of being.  Deep down inside or maybe even right under the surface, you are far from okay.  Why is sharing the truth seem like such a challenging request, even coming from our closest people?

In a world where other people’s opinions and reactions have a direct effect on our mindset when do we risk being brave enough to share the truth?  When asked over the past several months, “How are you”, I was as guilty as the next guy with brushing the truth under the rug.  Is it an inner urge to create a positive outlook or a private “do not disturb” switch I hung on my hypothetical emotional door? To be honest for me it was holding it together in order not to burst into tears.  As a pure defense mechanism to my sanity and sadness, my main goal was holding it together on the surface.  “Isn’t a beautiful sunny day?” was my focus, minute by minute, day by day.   I had allowed myself to be the supporting character in my own story and not burden others in my sadness.

For me, there were a variety of reasons.  Originally, I chalked it up to societies niceties, to air on the always sunshine, glass half full, response to your general state of being.    But as I dug deeper, there were a treasure chest full of motives for being “untrue” in my remarks.  I don’t have the strength to elaborate on my response, the feeling that the person asking really is just making small talk, or maybe I am just plain embarrassed by my circumstances. Was I a giant failure at my own life?  And then it hit me, it is okay to say, “I am not okay”. 

2019 may just be my least favorite year to date.  The only other contender would be 1997, but as I try to get “this too shall pass” to set in, the newness of our current calendar feels far more difficult.  Struggling to find my new normal, there is a liberation with owning your feelings and how you navigate them to the world.  Starting to accept that I don’t have to go into detail nor do I need to feel responsible how the other person perceives my response.  I also can take others “helpful” responses and do as I please with the information.  And this new freedom has made me dig further into speaking ones truths.

Speaking Your Truths

In today’s culture (I believe strengthen by social platforms) humans think they can share their thoughts freely.  Good, bad or just plain right out of left field, views flow freely.  But in modern communication it seems that there is a new concept that comes with the sharing of opinions.  We tend contribute those agreeing with us (or changing their mind) with how “loud” our expression grows.  And that everyone who “follows or likes” our thought, will also feel exactly the same way.  Even easier, if someone disagrees with us, with a push of a button we can simply “unfriend” them and block out their words.  Problem solved and your world is full of the perfect harmony of everyone you associate with thinking, feeling, and believing all the same truths.

Well, I am here to tell you that is not okay.  I am all for everyone embracing their political, spiritual, moral, educational, sports loving, beliefs.  Sing them from the roof tops, be loud and proud, but do not expect me to jump in line and change my mind if we tend to differ.  I agree with all my heart that we should all get to share our beliefs and live a life true to ourselves.  But with that comes the acceptance that I get to believe, reflect and deliberate (or not deliberate) just the same as the guy next door.

So here are a few things I am okay with embracing, believing and living by, that it is okay for you to NOT share in my view.  We can still be friends.  We can still “like” each other on the world wide web.  And the earth-shattering news is, that we all will still be a complete person tomorrow.

Jacky’s Beliefs

1 – Agriculture is king.  More importantly, commercial agriculture is responsible, mindful, enterprises that are managed by smart people that value our earth, economics, and feeding our planet.  Big does not equal bad.  We need all kinds of farming to maintain the volume, tastes, preferences and price points that keep the supply chain viable.  Do you realize that not all organic farming practices are sustainable?  Do you even know the definition of organic or holistic farming or what an operation consists of on a production platform? 

2 – It is okay to be a girl.  Being born with two XX chromosomes isn’t a liability.  I do agree both men and women can achieve, do, be whatever they want.  But in this world that girls can do anything a boy can, I fear sometimes the message loses site that being a girl is pretty cool too.  When I went to grad school in 1991 studying agriculture economics in Oklahoma, how many young ladies do you think were my classmates?  There were three of us total and I was the only one that graduated 18 months later.  28 years later, my daughter is at the same university in the same major getting her Phd and the ratio of men to woman has changed drastically.  I am all for everyone of us being true to our dreams.  I also think that pink, crowns, dolls and wearing ribbons and bows doesn’t change your value to the world.

3 – Not everyone is cut out for collegiate life—and that’s okay. I’ve been around high school agriculture teachers for the last 38 years, and vocational skills have real-world value. Certified welders, landscapers, and heavy equipment operators—these are skilled professions, and they’re highly lucrative. We each have something to give to the universe to make it better. It just might not be developed through a four-year degree.

4 – Finally, it is okay not to be okay.  Kiah Burchett visited my class to share her story and talk about self-brand.  When one of the students asked her if she had bad days?  I will never forget her response.  She asked the class if you saw a heart rate monitor and the line was even (straight) what does that mean.  They all replied, “you would be dead.”   Exactly we all have down days.  They allow the good days to follow. 

If every day we felt the same and every situation was a neutral response would we feel nonstop joy or would we just feel empty?  Being not okay occasionally and allowing ourselves to reboot is a necessity to life.  When I wrote the above, I was about as down as I have ever been in my life.  I started to wonder why I didn’t finish this post and get it published.  But then I discovered the culprit.  I wrote this on November 10, 2019, five days before I met Tod.  He came along and jump started my climb back up my EOG (electric okay gram), filling my time with UCSD sporting events and meeting new people.  My mind was finding joy in new adventures. And before you knew it, the sad of the past began to fade.

Here we are almost six years later. Go ahead and ask me how I am doing.  Don’t get me wrong I still have those days that are just not good, but I am open to sharing my ups and downs with no remorse.  Tod and I have experienced many changes in our world and even gained a dog. How does the old saying go, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. Maybe that is the key, our strength comes from the down days. But I rather lean into the words of the Beatles, “Here comes the sun and I say, “It’s alright” or should we say “It’s okay”.

The photo was taken outside of Santa Fe, NM in September of 2019 exploring spiritual location