“Here comes the sun, doo-doo-doo-doo, here comes the sun And I say it’s all right” – The Beatles

I began writing this blog on the flight to my son’s wedding, which may I add is my second wedding, not only this year, but in the last 60 days.  My youngest daughter said her vows in early June.   If you have followed my blog, you are aware I am the proud mom of three children.  They are all unique in their own ways, yet exactly alike in so many others.  It is not a huge surprise to me that they all discovered their true love in the same era and then decided to make it official within moments of each other.  And if you are worried about Kayla, don’t be, as she just became engaged in a moment that looks like Disney filmed it over the skies of Santorini, Greece.  As I have been posting on social media, two down, one to go!

Although I have written on my two cents of love (Love Blog), it seems as if the time has come to offer my insight a little deeper into the world of relationships.  Now not to be a hypocrite, as I have two marriages that did not go according to plan.  I will say that both yielded me valuable lessons and rewards.  Case in point, I have three fabulous children.  As I came up short in the happily ever after part of the story, I grew from the experience.   Approaching my sixth decade on earth and seeing my fair share of the good, bad and the ugly of relationships, here is a bit of  knowledge to share to the future Hildabrands, the current Stonehams and the soon to be Constantinidis.

I was raised in an era best described as “check the boxes”.   Call us Generation X, the kids of the 80s, or just the offspring of the Baby Boomers, we were raised to follow a calculated path.  What might that path be?  Well,it could vary from human to human, but it has a basic, nostalgic, 1950’s vibe meets women’s lib outline.  You see, we were built to graduate high school, go to college or not, find a job, discover a mate, get married, purchase the house and have kids.  Period.  There was no narrative past the point you could easily reach in your early twenties.  The remainder of your life was unscripted.

No, go be happy, explore the world, continue to grow as a human.  Developing a relationship with your spouse was not a subject one took in college nor did one take Child Rearing 101.  Nope just allow society to fill in the blanks as you continue to check the boxes on the master check list of life.  Now this plan may have worked for some, yet for me not so much.  But that doesn’t mean I didn’t discover treasures along this journey. 

First and foremost, my biggest, most grand accomplishments are Nolan, Kayla and Lilly.  And if you look back over 20 years and read my many lists and thoughts all I ever wanted for them was to be happy.  Not rich, not successful, not doing whatever I thought they should do, but to be happy. This summer has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt, that goal has been accomplished tenfold.

They have each found their person.  All so very different and special in their own way.  I don’t even think I could write a better human to match up with each of my kids.  The perfection of their pairings can be best described as imagine the finest glass of champagne enjoyed with the perfect bite, pure Zen.

I get to speak at Nolan’s wedding, and I also toasted Lilly and Colby.  Each message will be very different and not shared here to today.  But in a world full of advice from unlimited sources, social feeds on the ten steps to make August a new chapter and podcasts to fill your hours on inner self thoughts, here are some of good ole mom’s thoughts on marriage.

Joy – Have fun.  Let me say that again, have fun.  Remember why you fell in love in the first place.  Date each other.  Do not allow life to take over your space and forget about the person you share the universe with daily.  I will say the number one thing I have learned is my generation was not taught the importance of revisiting each other.  We were too busy checking the boxes.  Even if it is taking a walk after dinner to chat or a weekend getaway.  Have fun!

Love – Don’t underestimate the importance of the words “I Love You”.  Chester Finely made a speech at my second wedding, and he noted the importance to say, “I Love You”, every single day.  At the time it didn’t really ring true.  But over the years and not just with each other, telling the people in our life we love them is the greatest gift.  Not only does expressing your feelings bring good vibes to yourself but telling another how you feel can never go far enough.  Send it in a text, leave it on a post-it-note, or scream it from the mountain tops, I really don’t care how you share your feelings, just let your love flow.

Kindness – Don’t forget the little things.  In a world that everyone is search for that next big thing, I have come to realize that the little things are what counts.  Making that cup of coffee in the morning, bringing home the $4.99 bunch of carnations from Trader Joe’s or making sure the car isn’t on empty when you leave it for the other to drive, these are the things that make the world go round.  I have been told more than once that I can be a lot.  But at the end of the day it’s the little things that make me smile.  Learn what those touch points are for your love and lean into them now and then.  It makes all the difference in the world.

Peace – Sorry is the most forgotten word in the world today.  And not to say “I am sorry” to stop the bleed but to genuinely deep down in your soul feel remorse.  Being compassionate to another’s feelings is an art form.  Most are not born with this gene and need to grow and nurture this over time.  It does seem to sprout and take off and grow in yields once you have babies of your own.  But in the meantime, realize that apologizing for a bad deed might better be served with a kind gesture, an embrace, or the simple words of love.

Business – Marriage is more than a business agreement, but rest assured it is a business agreement.  Finances are a key point of discontent.  Yet is can be the true force that binds you closer together. Never be afraid to have the honest talks about money.  It is ok to disagree.  Find the point in the middle and develop a budgetary strategy that works for your relationship.  I am pretty sure for my three, there will be vastly different scopes that work for each pairing. And here is the secret, that is OK.  Just be honest and balance the outcomes together.

My mother has accused me more than once that believing that life is just one big Doris Day movie.  And truth be told that isn’t a 100% true, you can add Audrey Hepburn’s movies and Singing in the Rain.  I fully believe in every over the top, make your heart melt, award winning country love song.  My argument is always the same, if these moments weren’t true, how could someone ever dream them up to write about?  Here Comes the Sun, was played at both Lilly and Nolan’s weddings.  Actually, it was also played at my niece Julia’s wedding.  It has the simplest lyrics and soothing melody.  And truly does define the road of marriage.  Every morning the sun will come and in the end it’s alright.