It’s Okay, NOT to be Okay

“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.” – Hemingway

Prologue – During a recent cleaning of my computer files, I discovered a folder full of partially completed blogs. Some were near completion while others were no more than a few sentences of a single thought. There were even a few, as my pal Corey Oakley best describes, that were borderline ramblings of a mad woman and may take some time to deconstruct. Deciding to tackle the chore of finishing each post, not only gave me a head start on my writing but reminds me of my reflections of years past. The following post was 95% complete and originated from November of 2019 a few months past finishing my breast cancer treatment. It was also around the time of Bobby and I calling time of death on our marriage. A longer blog, with many trains of thought, I did my best to edit without taking away from my original state of being. And although my mind, spirit and soul are in a much more joyful state, the sentiments seem to ring true in today’s world.

It’s Okay to be Not Okay

How many times has the following conversation been part of your day?

A friend asks a simple, kind question: “How are you?” You instantly respond with the obligatory, “I am okay” or better yet “I am good, just living the dream.” And quickly change the subject to any other topic but your current state of being. Deep down inside or maybe even right under the surface, you are far from okay. Why is sharing the truth seem like such a challenging request, even coming from our closest people?

In a world where other people’s opinions and reactions have a direct effect on our mindset when do we risk being brave enough to share the truth? When asked over the past several months, “How are you”, I was as guilty as the next guy with brushing the truth under the rug. Is it an inner urge to create a positive outlook or a private “do not disturb” switch I hung on my hypothetical emotional door? To be honest for me it was holding it together in order not to burst into tears. As a pure defense mechanism to my sanity and sadness, my main goal was holding it together on the surface. “Isn’t a beautiful sunny day?” was my focus, minute by minute, day by day. I had allowed myself to be the supporting character in my own story and not burden others in my sadness.

For me, there were a variety of reasons. Originally, I chalked it up to societies niceties, to air on the always sunshine, glass half full, response to your general state of being. But as I dug deeper, there were a treasure chest full of motives for being “untrue” in my remarks. I don’t have the strength to elaborate on my response, the feeling that the person asking really is just making small talk, or maybe I am just plain embarrassed by my circumstances. Was I a giant failure at my own life? And then it hit me, it is okay to say, “I am not okay”.

2019 may just be my least favorite year to date. The only other contender would be 1997, but as I try to get “this too shall pass” to set in, the newness of our current calendar feels far more difficult. Struggling to find my new normal, there is a liberation with owning your feelings and how you navigate them to the world. Starting to accept that I don’t have to go into detail nor do I need to feel responsible how the other person perceives my response. I also can take others “helpful” responses and do as I please with the information. And this new freedom has made me dig further into speaking ones truths.

Speaking Your Truths

In today’s culture (I believe strengthen by social platforms) humans think they can share their thoughts freely. Good, bad or just plain right out of left field, views flow freely. But in modern communication it seems that there is a new concept that comes with the sharing of opinions. We tend contribute those agreeing with us (or changing their mind) with how “loud” our expression grows. And that everyone who “follows or likes” our thought, will also feel exactly the same way. Even easier, if someone disagrees with us, with a push of a button we can simply “unfriend” them and block out their words. Problem solved and your world is full of the perfect harmony of everyone you associate with thinking, feeling, and believing all the same truths.

Well, I am here to tell you that is not okay. I am all for everyone embracing their political, spiritual, moral, educational, sports loving, beliefs. Sing them from the roof tops, be loud and proud, but do not expect me to jump in line and change my mind if we tend to differ. I agree with all my heart that we should all get to share our beliefs and live a life true to ourselves. But with that comes the acceptance that I get to believe, reflect and deliberate (or not deliberate) just the same as the guy next door.

So here are a few things I am okay with embracing, believing and living by, that it is okay for you to NOT share in my view. We can still be friends. We can still “like” each other on the world wide web. And the earth-shattering news is, that we all will still be a complete person tomorrow.

Jacky’s Beliefs

1 – Agriculture is king. More importantly, commercial agriculture is responsible, mindful, enterprises that are managed by smart people that value our earth, economics, and feeding our planet. Big does not equal bad. We need all kinds of farming to maintain the volume, tastes, preferences and price points that keep the supply chain viable. Do you realize that not all organic farming practices are sustainable? Do you even know the definition of organic or holistic farming or what an operation consists of on a production platform?

2 – It is okay to be a girl. Being born with two XX chromosomes isn’t a liability. I do agree both men and women can achieve, do, be whatever they want. But in this world that girls can do anything a boy can, I fear sometimes the message loses site that being a girl is pretty cool too. When I went to grad school in 1991 studying agriculture economics in Oklahoma, how many young ladies do you think were my classmates? There were three of us total and I was the only one that graduated 18 months later. 28 years later, my daughter is at the same university in the same major getting her Phd and the ratio of men to woman has changed drastically. I am all for everyone of us being true to our dreams. I also think that pink, crowns, dolls and wearing ribbons and bows doesn’t change your value to the world.

3 – Not everyone is cut out for collegiate life—and that’s okay. I’ve been around high school agriculture teachers for the last 38 years, and vocational skills have real-world value. Certified welders, landscapers, and heavy equipment operators—these are skilled professions, and they’re highly lucrative. We each have something to give to the universe to make it better. It just might not be developed through a four-year degree.

4 – Finally, it is okay not to be okay. Kiah Burchett visited my class to share her story and talk about self-brand. When one of the students asked her if she had bad days? I will never forget her response. She asked the class if you saw a heart rate monitor and the line was even (straight) what does that mean. They all replied, “you would be dead.” Exactly we all have down days. They allow the good days to follow.

If every day we felt the same and every situation was a neutral response would we feel nonstop joy or would we just feel empty? Being not okay occasionally and allowing ourselves to reboot is a necessity to life. When I wrote the above, I was about as down as I have ever been in my life. I started to wonder why I didn’t finish this post and get it published. But then I discovered the culprit. I wrote this on November 10, 2019, five days before I met Tod. He came along and jump started my climb back up my EOG (electric okay gram), filling my time with UCSD sporting events and meeting new people. My mind was finding joy in new adventures. And before you knew it, the sad of the past began to fade.

Here we are almost six years later. Go ahead and ask me how I am doing. Don’t get me wrong I still have those days that are just not good, but I am open to sharing my ups and downs with no remorse. Tod and I have experienced many changes in our world and even gained a dog. How does the old saying go, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. Maybe that is the key, our strength comes from the down days. But I rather lean into the words of the Beatles, “Here comes the sun and I say, “It’s alright” or should we say “It’s okay”.

The photo was taken outside of Santa Fe, NM in September of 2019 exploring spiritual location

September 23, 2025 0

Bowling Alley Wisdom 101

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever been to a little kid’s birthday party at a bowling alley? The lanes are adorned with the insert of bumpers in the gutters. These barriers are incorporated to aid in keeping the players’ balls in line. Creating an actual boundary to guarantee that the game doesn’t break into another’s space. Wouldn’t it be grand if we could install giant, blow-up boundaries to protect ourselves from allowing our experiences to go off course?

History has a sneaky way of showing a pattern in need of a directional change. Completing Kayla’s birthday project reminded me of a similar project attempted many moons ago. Circa 2003, I discovered scrapbooking and the fact that I could print photos in my home office. After an inspirational moment shopping at the neighborhood craft store, walking out with not just one book, but the notion to complete four identical masterpieces. My subject matter was my grandmother Roberta. The queen to the kingdom, at least in the eyes of me, my brother Johnny and my cousins Kelly and Stacy. Visions of a poetic memento, complete with vintage photos, the plan was to complete as a Christmas surprise.

Guess what, I have yet to finish these little, gem filled keepsakes. Revisiting now and then over the years, efforts were attempted to complete, but with zero luck. As I wrote last time about my instant fear of completion, that feeling was grounded in this experience. Having the weight of all the people I dragged into Kayla’s surprise, gave witness to holding me accountable to getting the job done. Yet when I was left to my own self-governance, falling short was easy, project boxed up and stored away without anyone the wiser.

Inspired by my latest writing, the search was on to unearth this treasure from the past. There they were, four partly completed books (in various stages) tucked away with all the supplies in a clear container. Staying on course to my commitment to express gratitude, there is no denying my love of heritage, vintage keepsakes, and how I obtained the DNA that runs through my body. In a world that our roots struggle to get the opportunity to run deep in the soil we land upon, I am beyond blessed to say my family tree is firmly planted with generational ties that rival the forming of the local township. It is a special feeling to say, “My grandparents, parents, myself and all three of my children are Templeton High School graduates.” These is not a single thing that I would ever replace from the family my grandmother created.

The story is titled The Queen of Roblar and it is written in a simple four-line stanza, with each quatrain of the poem featured on a page. Sitting here, scanning my unfinished work, two thoughts run through my mind. One, more of this endeavor is finished than recalled. And the second is utter disappointment that 12 years later the task is not complete. In a period where accountability is a key component to success, be it performance reviews, schoolwork, or every customer survey that lands in our inbox daily, how do we evaluate ourselves?

Reading an article the other day that highlighted personal boundaries, a connection between governing oneself and setting up your own personal gutter “bumpers” for protection seem to make sense. Looking in the mirror and deciding what we will accept in ourselves, and others is not an easy task. And when that “bowling ball” crosses the lanes, how do we correct course?

The article noted two subjects I had never considered: time and intellectual boundaries. The concept of time fascinated me in ways that I could easily grasp and realize how much it defined my shortcomings. From how I have spent my moments over the years to allowing other’s demand of this limited good, examining the value of a healthy time boundaries seemed like a good place to start.

Teetering on placing too many tasks on my “plate” and allocating the importance of each item, the view began to become clearer on where the habit of boxing up valued ventures to return to later developed. You see, I spent a great deal of my life putting my professional life first (most of the time), ironically not because I was trying to climb some illusive achievement ladder. The habit was born from an inner need to do my very best at every duty embarked upon. Being an economist, the obvious lesson is that time is a limited resource. Yet I never treated it as a treasured commodity. Give me a good calendar and ability to plan and the belief was lets cram as much as possible into a single day. Check marking my way down the list. Was their joy from the accomplishments or was there pure exhaustion? The glory of the past 18 months of rediscovery is that when you have abundance of time, the pace teaches you the importance of how you spend every day.

Time for me today is about one thing in a moment, with three check marks on the “to dos” as a success. More is never better; pace is the constant. As I began to set boundaries unconsciously, accomplishments increased. No longer do I need to complete something all at once. If it takes a couple of day, or even weeks to have the plan come together, it is still a win. For once in my life, I recognize the value of every single minute, and I am starting to be stingy with how I spend this valuable asset and who gets the investment.

Intellectual boundaries have been a struggle I have battled internally for years. Not with regards to recognizing what are appropriate conversations, but in the sharing of my mind. Bordering on personal boundaries and the overly transparent philosophy I have adapted; I tend to give my knowledge freely. I watch others capitalize and develop successful businesses based on their skills. Yet here I am connecting people, helping them solve business issues, and sharing my thoughts and skills openly. Putting a value on what my intellectual knowledge is worth, is another huge quandary that I can’t even begin to tackle.

Has a solution been found? Not yet, but I can tell you that the first step is awareness. Allowing the little voice in your head the freedom to talk and keep the reminding alive. Being true to yourself is just as important as being honest with yourself. Neither is easy and both need to be practiced. Now that I have time that I can freely devote to my long-lost project, will I complete in the intention of what I imagined? The future holds that answer. The conscious act of self-protection is a new muscle I am learning to flex. Finding gratitude with the completion of even the smallest tasks adds value to my day and my brain power. Pretty soon I will be “bowling” bumper free.

A short insert of a few pages of The Queen of Roblar

Once upon a time
In a quiet country town
Lived a princess of a girl
With love of life profound

A farm was her castle
Amongst fields of hay
This land was her home
Working hard was part of the day

As time went by
The kingdom did grow
The princess blossomed too
Learning to bake and sew

Born the oldest
In a family of four
There were two princes
And one princess more

Reading and writing at
Oakdale school
The princess thought learning
Was so very cool

As the years went by
More lads in the land
All wanting to take
The princess by the hand

The princess found her prince
In a frog named Miller
She knew in her heart
That the king would kill her

The note on the wall
A love story it told
As they ran to Nevada
To say “to have and to hold”

March 25, 2025 0

Choosing the Right Door

“If it’s not easy or effortless, it is the wrong door.”

In keeping with my vow to celebrate gratitude in 2025, I’ve realized that gratefulness can come in many different forms. Jotting down some thoughts the other day, I wrote, “I am grateful for my problem-solving ability.” An unexercised muscle this past year, it is not only a gift but also a keen knack to change my perception. For years, I have developed this gift, much like a bodybuilder on an extreme regimen at the gym. I placed myself in a career path that nurtured these opportunities like a cherished crop. The most important lesson I learned wasn’t that there is literally “more than one way to skin a cat,” but that sometimes a gut feeling and time can serve as a remedy too.

If you know me, you’ve heard many of my Jackyisms: “Make good choices,” “If it doesn’t matter in five years, it doesn’t matter now,” and the infamous “You’re killing me, Smalls” (yes, I borrowed that one). But for the year 2025, my mantra is simply, “If it’s not easy or effortless, it is the wrong door.” The other day I shared my newfound philosophy with a friend and was reminded, ironically, this course of thinking goes against the grain of what we are conditioned to believe. Hard work, breaking boundaries, and building from past defeats are what make us stronger. If the journey isn’t bumpy, how do we know it is successful?

Don’t get me wrong, we must experience failures to truly enjoy the successes. I get it. But haven’t you ever been in a situation, making a decision or trying to climb that metaphoric mountain, and felt like landmines were everywhere? It was time to cut your losses and head back to base camp. Your emotions were drained, your insides were wrecked, and the thought of one more attempt would simply break you to the core.

I truly believe, after much reflection, that you were trying to walk through the wrong door. Not every exit is as simple as turning around and shutting that journey’s door. But, what if you take a step back and just take a breath? It isn’t admitting defeat; it’s realigning your compass back to your true path. Honestly, haven’t you ever felt like you were beating your head against a wall trying to solve a problem? With every step forward, you fell two steps back. Frustration and negative energy filled your vibes, and nothing was accomplished. It isn’t your lack of trying; you are just knocking on the wrong door. Maybe that is why it isn’t being answered?

Rewiring our brain to use positive vibes to accept a choice might be harder to develop into a new behavior. Connecting our heart and emotions to our head and logic—how silly does that sound? In my attempt to be grateful and cherish the gifts I have been born with, I am leaning into this thought process aggressively. In the past, I was the first one to jump on an opportunity without even considering its true value. Instead of over-applying my problem-solving skill, why not allow time and good vibes to guide the process?

Have you ever felt a situation before it happened? My grandma would call that a “gut feeling.” I once read that making a decision should feel right with both your mind and your heart. Think of that balance: if your heart is screaming at you to do something, but your mind is ticking off all the reasons this is a bad idea… let’s face it, it’s the wrong door. Remember Mad Libs, as you went through the plot you chose the word or direction? State a verb, a noun, and you were off into your story. Try choosing your next move using all your internal senses instead of jumping in full throttle. How does the right choice feel—easy and effortless? Simply stated, I am throwing out anything that is negative, as they say, focusing on good vibes only.

Last spring, we weren’t sure what our next move would be with our professional and personal lives. Did we need to journey toward the west coast, find a new path? Nothing felt like the right move. And then one day, while driving to a women’s water polo conference finals in Bloomington, Indiana, a call came. For the next hour, Tod talked to a recruiter he had met years earlier. The first question he asked was, “Are you still in Louisville? Because I have a job that is perfect for your talents.” By the time we checked into our hotel, we had the job announcement, and I was sitting at the lobby computer printing out what would soon become the “right door.” Every step was easy, the pace of the process was swift, without an obstacle along the path. When Tod would look at me and say, “I am sure there are other great candidates,” my reply was always, “Nope, this is too easy and effortless; you are going to get this opportunity.” And low and behold, within a couple of weeks, he was named the new Athletic Director at Indiana University Southeast. And we moved across the river to become the newest citizens of Sellersburg, Indiana.

Should tasks be filled with an overwhelming need to problem solve? What good comes from listening to glass-half empty thinkers? Absolutely nothing. I am not naïve to the fact that bad days will happen and negative bumps will appear in my path, but let’s minimize them at all cost. My new tool in my problem-solving chest is simply to listen to my inner self. Using the easy and effortless measurement device and not being afraid to give tough situations time to visually show a direction. Yes, I am very grateful for my skills that I was born with and those I have developed over time. Maybe someday I will even solve my dilemma on how to get myself to write more often. Pretty positive it is the easy and effortless method behind an undiscovered door.

January 28, 2025 0

Let the Sparks Fly

“Never forget the essence of your spark” – TS

*My three biggest sparks and their smiles are proof of joy in my heart*.

The past couple of years we have heard the term trigger used in a variety of ways. From upsetting an individual to the more unfortunate “pulling the trigger”, the weight of this very word has grown beyond an episode of my 600lb Life. Such a simple notion has went from a real, medical definition for some to an attempt to create a world covered in padded protectors for others. Filled with so much unconstructive energy and beyond over used, I began not using the phrase when explaining my reaction to certain events.

Being one to put my best Pollyanna hat on, I try to look for the ounce of positivity in every moment. Last year the trigger mine field was taking its toll on my thoughts until I had a break thru this summer while reading a social media post. I know, how ironic, a method of communication that results in multiple trigger moments daily, I found the counter balance to those hair shifting actions. The post introduced the concept of “glimmers”; the celebration of the encounters that bring you joy.

The concept wasn’t completely foreign to my way of thinking. My last post noted having the opposite reaction to events, was this the same outcome just wrapped in a different package? If we are busy searching for glimmers will we have less time to be triggered?

As the months past, I pondered writing this blog and sharing my experience. Yet my attempts keep falling short. Thinking of the two forces, picturing an old school scale with triggers on one side and glimmers on the other side, the weight just seemed to lean to the former. Then like a meteor falling from the sky it hit me, I needed a stronger word to battle the Goliath. What should this new beckon of light exhume; hope, growth, power, joy or just about anything that expresses the feelings that brings a smile to your face. The Oxford Dictionary defines a spark as “a trace of a specified quality or intense feeling”. Intense feeling, now that has some muscle. Sparks can grow and turn into something magnificent such as true love. The Frank Sonnenberg quote suggests, “You never know when you’re creating a spark that will last forever”. The momentum continued build and spark became my new word.

Don’t get me wrong, part of a healthy journey is learning to navigate life’s ups and downs. I was very fortunate this week to welcome Kiah Burchett to my Equine Marketing class. She did an amazing job communicating to the students about creating your personal brand. But the part of her talk that really resonated with me was how we have to experience valleys in our life to enjoy the peaks. As she pointed out the consequences of your heart monitor being flat, a young man blurted out, “you would be dead”. Doesn’t it hold true to be truly alive we have to feel the triggers and the sparks?

Encountering the upcoming generations (Gen Z and Alpha), through my life or others around me, there is a huge population of adults flat lining our youth. They are creating a world (or at least attempting) were there are no downs. Furthermore, there are no consequences when you create your own valley due to bad choices. I raised three children who experienced their share of joy and heartbreak. Did it melt me when they were disappointed or had bad luck fall their way, absolutely? Were they miserable to be around when they had to pay the piper for wrong deeds, defiantly. Development into a happy human requires you to first learn what unhappiness feels like deep inside your core. Emotions and joy grow from experiencing the “trigger” moments. Disappointment flexes our emotional heart muscle. Seriously how does one gain compassion if they can’t identify suffering or misfortune. Once one can differentiate between dark and light, that is when the sparks become visible.

When I picture a spark, the first thing that comes to mind is a fire fly. Not common in California, but on a summer night in Kentucky they can light up your backyard. They aren’t a big bug, super fun to find and keep you searching for more. The key is once you discover one, stop and acknowledge and celebrate, if only for a minute. Let the good bring you joy, take a breath for yourself, give it the same space and respect you would if you were triggered. And unlike a trigger (that I suggest you release once it comes) store the good in your soul.

Where do I find sparks, good question? Pondering that while my brain was sorting through these thoughts, I began thinking of how I capture my “fire flies”.

1 – Many moons ago, circa 2000 I made a list of things I like. I still have the journal and a page full of pure Jackyness. I get that we have morphed into a society of technology, laptops and tablets have replaced paper and pen, but I am old school. To really get something to touch my soul I like to write it down. One could even say, a good journal would light my world up like the Fourth of July.

Curious to what was on my list? Oak trees and gardenias, the smell of rain and the sound of the ocean, inspiration and projects with an end, my list is pretty broad. Reading it today it is funny how so much of the contents hold true today. Giving myself this gentle reminder of my turn of the century thoughts will aid in my search of sparks in my daily life.

2 – That being said, be on the lookout, constantly. Reflecting of the earlier paragraphs, you can’t appreciate the spark if you don’t take the time to acknowledge one when it lands in your lap. During Covid the entire Exhibits Department at the San Diego County Fair was laid off, except me. Having to wear the hats of many talented people created new work for me on a daily basis. One day when I figured out a computer program that wasn’t normally part of my workload, I “high fived” myself. It was spontaneous one arm went up and it was met with a clap from its partner. In this moment this simple act was born. I acknowledged how great it felt, how proud I was of my achievement, and begun using this motion more and more.

3 – Similar to keeping yourself open for sparks, figure out ways to put your mind in the right space. I have written many times about one of my favorite teaching tools, the book the Happiness Advantage. The lessons are to put ourselves in the mental, physical and emotional state to be happy. From looking forward to a future event to exercise and mediation, create the space for sparks. If we are busy running around being triggered we will never catch a glimmer much less a spark.

Lets face it, things will be said, acts will be done, life will punch us in the gut and we will react. We can’t prevent this from happening to ourselves or our loved ones, no matter how hard we try the downs are part of god’s plan. But we can change our focus to search for the ups, however small, to remind us that there is always a rainbow after the storm. Find your joy, embrace the spark and remember the words of Taylor Swift, “’Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile”.

February 15, 2024 3